| |
| |
|
Coaching Information |
|
|
|
Are You Controlling or Loving Yourself?
How often do you hear a parental voice in your head that says things like, "You've got to lose weight," or "You should get up earlier every morning and exercise," or "Today I should get caught up on the bills," or "I've got to get rid of this clutter." Let's explore what happens in response to this voice. We have a very good reason for judging ourselves: the judgmental part of us believes that by judging, criticizing, "shoulding" ourselves, we will motivate ourselves to take action and therefore protect against failure or rejection. We may have been judging ourselves to get ourselves to do things "right" since we were kids, hoping to keep ourselves in line. And we keep on doing it because we believe it works. Let's take the example of Karl, who is a high-powered executive in a large accounting firm. Karl has had a heart attack and is supposed to watch his diet. Right after his heart attack, he did well avoiding sugar, fats, and overeating, but after six months or so, he found himself struggling with his food plan. In our counseling session, Karl told me he was upset with himself for having a big desert as well as a big meal the night before. I asked Karl to put himself back into the situation and recreate what he had been feeling. "Well, I was out to dinner with one of our biggest clients. He asked me a question and I didn't remember the facts, so I couldn't answer him. As soon as this happened, that voice came into my head telling me that I'm stupid, that I should have remembered it and 'What's the matter with me anyway?'" "What did you feel as soon as you judged yourself?" I asked. "Well, looking back, I think I felt that sad, sort of dark empty hollow feeling I often get inside. And you know what - that's when I started to eat a lot of bread with tons of butter and ordered the desert! I didn't realize it was in response to that empty feeling that I hate!" "So the sad empty feeling is what you feel when you judge yourself. Judging yourself is an inner abandonment, so your Inner Child then feels alone, sad and empty. You are telling your Child that he is not good enough. I know that you don't do this with your actual children, but you do it a lot with yourself, don't you?" "Yeah, I think it do it all the time. After I judged myself for not knowing the answer, then I judged myself for eating too much and having desert. And then I felt even worse." "So what did you hope for by judging yourself? "I guess I hoped that I could control my eating and also get myself to work harder so I wouldn't forget things." "It doesn't seem to be working." "No, it just makes me feel terrible. In fact, I can see that judging myself for not knowing the answer made me feel so badly that then I wanted to eat more. Instead of giving me more control, it gave me less!" "So you are trying to have control over yourself through your self-judgments, but what actually happens is that you feel awful and behave in addictive ways to avoid the pain. I think what also happens is that some part of you goes into resistance to being judged and told what to do, so you end up doing the opposite of what you tell yourself you should do." "Right. As soon as I tell myself not to eat so much and judge myself for eating, that's when I really want to eat. So I'm eating to not be controlled and also because in judging myself I'm abandoning myself, which makes me feel sad and empty, and I've always used food to fill up that emptiness. Whew! How do I stop this cycle?" "You can't stop it until you are conscious of it. As long as you are doing it unconsciously - on automatic pilot - you have no choice over it. So the first thing you can do is not try to change it but just notice it. As you become very aware of this pattern, you will have the choice to change it. You will have the choice to be loving and caring toward yourself instead of judgmental once you become aware of what you are doing. You can start by noticing every time you feel that empty sad feeling, and then exploring what you were telling yourself that led to the painful feeling." Karl did start to notice and over time was able to stop judging himself. Not only did the sad empty feeling that he had experienced so often in his life go away, but he was able to keep to his medical nutrition plan for his heart. When his Inner Child felt loved instead of judged, he didn't need to eat to take away the pain. About The Author Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.
MORE RESOURCES:
Google News |
|
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
Change the Words and Change the World Excerpt From The Relationship Handbook: How to Understand and Improve Every Relationship in Your Life by Kevin B. BurkIf we want to change our lives in any way, all we need to do is to change our words, thoughts and beliefs. Coaching for Success Coaching is perhaps the most effective method of increasing performance available to managers, team leaders, and colleagues. This article defines coaching and outlines a process for effective coaching. Leading Grief Groups: The Preliminaries Preparation: If you desire advertising the group, announcements need to go to the media at least six weeks prior to the beginning of the group. Most effective is either an article or listing under Grief/support groups in the local newspaper. 101 Winning Choices Personal missions statements (PMS) are just nothing but the winning choices. Our mind can program us in such a way that success ratio in personal, social & professional life changes drastically. Relaxation Couldnt Be Simpler Many people use their sofa and TV to help them 'switch off and relax'. In reality, television programs can suspend you n stress for yours, with depressing or thrilling storylines, violence and madness!True relaxation is achieved when all tensions and thoughts are eliminated. Reduce Anxiety About Decison Making What's the alternative to making decisions?Allowing someone else, or circumstances, to make them for you.And that is giving up control of your life. What in the World is Life Coaching? In my speaking engagements I have often compared coaching today to psychotherapy in the 1920s. The level of public understanding of coaching, outside of people in a certain socio-demographic category, is still in its infancy. Addiction to Blame Allen consulted with me because his wife of 18 years had threatened to leave him if he didn't stop blaming her all the time. He admitted to frequently blaming her in a variety of situations. A Christmas Wish My sister is a woman now beginning her thirties. She has had few friends and her boyfriends have never been good for her. How to Hire a Coach Improve Your Life! How to Hire A Coach.A reader writes, "I do not know how or where to contact a coach here. You Can Get There From Here But first you've got to raise your standards.I know at some point you had big dreams. Friends? I met my friend when we were in graduate school, and we enjoyed hanging out together outside of classes. After receiving our degrees, we both left school to live in different states. Eureka! I've Found It! OK, so it wasn't quite that big of a deal. But I did find the "T" that mysteriously escaped from the word "not" in one of my articles a few months ago. Free Advice From Albert Einstein What If You Could Ask Anyone For Help?Have you ever noticed how sometimes you are at your most creative when you are interacting with another person? You and your friend or acquaintance feed off of each other's ideas and help each other clarify things. Well what about those times when you are alone, or you have no one you wish to share your ideas with? What can you do then to stimulate creative thought and to find elegant solutions to your problems? You could try talking to Albert Einstein. You Have A Choice I'm a relationship coach and, unlike most, I deal with those 'other' relationships. Of course, I make love happen without wings and an arrow, but I really make a difference with business relationships, family relationships, community relationships, old and stale relationships and all the rest that we take for granted, lost or forgotten. Simple Tips to Move Forward on the Job Someone I know wants to move into another job in the same company. It is not a management job. Dealing Effectively with Midlife Issues In this article we would like to help you explore the challenges and opportunities that come at midlife. You will have an opportunity to take a look at issues that are specific to the Baby Boomer generation. A Beginner To Beginners You may be just starting, or contemplating, your first online business. Or, just like me, you may be trying out yet another online business scheme. Business Coaching Legacy: Reflections on What You Want to Leave Behind? Updating my will has been on my mind for quite some time now. Life circumstances change, kids grow-up, financial situations changes. Words That Inspire - PEACE WORDS THAT INSPIREA monthly quick shot to motivate you, in less than 45 seconds, from Julie Cohen CoachingHow might your PEACE impact the world?Dictionary*says:State of tranquility or quiet, freedom from civil disturbance, a pact or agreement to end hostilities between those who have been at war.What it REALLY means:The feeling of contentment with your life at present; your state of being when things feel comfortable, at ease, light; time in which you feel centered, calm and well.
|
| home | site map |
| © 2007 |
